My shiny teeth and me
by icefire-lioness
Summary: This about Draco, again. And his...teeth. Well, we all know he is a bit weird, but hot, and this is basically just him loving himself. NOT like that. Dirty minded people.


_**When I'm feeling lonely **__**  
**__**Sad as I can be **__**  
**__**All by myself on an uncharted island **__**  
**__**in an endless sea **__**  
**_  
_I am so, so lonely. I will die alone. I just know it. I wonder if I will ever, ever be in love? I mean, apart from with myself. _

I push myself up off of my bed and look around the empty dormitory.

I feel like I am stuck out in the middle of nowhere, and no-one can reach me. It's a terrible feeling. Very angst inducing.

There must be something I can do to get myself out of this highly unnatractive (on anyone but me) fug of despair. I know! I will go to the Room of Requirement… and there, I shall find happiness.

I walk to the Room of Requirement quickly, looking neither left nor right, my feet barely grazing the floor as I float along, the product of Beauty and Greatness personified (I swear I am adopted and I am actually the son of a God and Goddess).

Finally, I reach the statue of some random troll or other, turn left, and get to that beautiful stretch of wall. I walk past the wall three times, thinking my thoughts. And then it appears, perfect as always.

I walk inside, looking around quickly to make sure no-one sees and shut the door.

Here it is. My haven.

_**What makes me happy **__**  
**__**fills me up with glee **__**  
**__**those bones in my jaw! **__**  
**__**that don't have a flaw **__**  
**__**My Shiny Teeth and ME **_**  
**  
The perfect room. All around me, at every point, are mirrors. It's a beautiful sight, I can tell you now.

They are the walls, floors and ceiling, but positioned so exactly that I can see every angle of myself without having to move an inch.

It's a great feeling, let me tell you, being able to see myself from every angle. I mean, I am just so flawless that I probably made the angels cry with happiness when I was born. Or jealousy, perhaps.

_**My shiny teeth that twinkle **__**  
**__**Just like the stars in space **__**  
**__**My shiny teeth that sparkle **__**  
**__**addin' beauty to my face **__**  
**_  
Oh, I am so absolutely beautiful. I love myself. What was I feeling so sad about before? I think about it vaguely, tracing my lips with a perfectly manicured fingernail. 

My teeth shine and I smile wider. It's funny really, I don't smile in front of anyone – except the mirrors. I suppose it's because if I did, everyone would just become totally intoxicated by me, and would love me completely unconditionally. 

And that could become annoying. Especially because I know what it is like to be adored by all the girls in the school already (although half won't admit it).

And all of the boys. Straight ones too. I could turn anyone into a homosexual. Absolutely anyone.

However, I don't want everyone to become besotted with my smile, because, then, I won't get anything done.

I am just too hot for my own good.

_**My shiny teeth that glisten **__**  
**__**just like a Christmas tree **__**  
**__**You know they walk a mile just to see me smile **__**  
**__**Woo! **__**  
**__**My Shiny Teeth and Me **_

I had the funniest experience on Christmas Day last year actually.

See, I saw myself in the glass when I was walking past the Christmas trees in the Great Hall, and I just couldn't help it - the combined effects of my gorgeous body and the _pretty pretty_ lights on the tree made me grin out loud (I know that isn't possible, technically, because it's a visual thing. But I am all powerful so we can forget that.)

It was quite hilarious actually, because some little third year people saw me smile and they just fell all over each other trying to get closer.

It was rather side-splittingly laughingly comical really. Had a bit of a laugh, and they were pushing and shoving trying to get closer.

Started to get a bit scared to be honest.

I mean, little fugly thirdies trying to jump you isn't the most lovely experience.

Anyroad, there they where, leaping around, and someone walking past goes "Would you turn off that light, no-one can see the Christmas tree!"

Oh my dear Lord (that's me), it was so funny!

I laughed and laughed, and then everyone was trying to get close enough to hear The Great Draco Malfoy express amusement.

I mean, I snigger, and I chuckle (very occasionally) but I don't think I've ever full on laughed in front of anyone before.

Hmm. Weird. Anyway. It was funny. I mean, obviously. Because I told it, and I meant for you to laugh.

_**Yes they're all so perfect **__**  
**__**So white and pearly **__**  
**__**Brush Gargle Rinse **__**  
**__**A couple breath mints **__**  
**__**My shiny teeth and me **__**  
**_  
I start walking back to the dormitories. I mean, it's getting late, and I need my beauty sleep (actually, I don't, because I'm already the most gorgeous thing on the planet, but I need to maintain this wonderful image), and I also need to make sure that every single part of me is faultless.

I can't be less than perfect. And although I'm basically as close to perfection as you can get, maintenance is key. I can't forget all about hygiene can I?

(Although I'd probably be the hottest hobo ever. All the lady hobo's would be after me. They'd be all like "You're hot!" and I'd be all like "Whatever! Don't touch me you grotty weirdo's." And then I'd see a hot lady hobo and be all like "Hey girly, you wanna come party?" and she'd be all like "um, YAH! You're the hottest hobo I've ever seen!" I'd be such a hot hobo. Maybe I should try it out? Like, as a fashion statement.)

Anyways, I'm down in the dungeons now.

Honestly, I don't get it. We have these draughty, scary, yucky looking catacomb places. It's totally gross.

I mean, have you seen Gryffindor's common room? Ah, hello! What is with that? They have it all nice, warm and cosy (and scorching girlies too, though I would never admit that. I didn't just then, if you think I did. Because...erm. I have a reason. It's on the tip of my tongue. Oh yes. Because I said so. And _yes_, that is a reason. Manwhores.) and it is _so_ not fair.

I mean, come on! Where is the justice in them having interior decorators and not us? That is just NOT ON.

Especially as I am in this House, and therefore should have special treatment. 

Although, one great thing about this House is that all the girls in it are totally into sharing beds. So I'm good with the warmth factor. They're just not very good sleeping companions. So restless.

I don't really understand what their problems are, it's not like I'm gonna do it with any of them (tut tut, look down nose upon) - I am totally remaining a virgin until I get married (daddy wants me to do it before then, reckons I'm not a man or something if I don't. I'm just like "whatever. Talk to the hand").

Yes, I know what you are thinking. "wow, he is so brave, to talk to _Lucius Malfoy_ like that." 

Well, what can I say? I'm like Hercules or something. Only without the lion coat, because everyone should have the pleasure of seeing MY skin forever untarnished by disgusting mammals rotten old skin dangling all over me (becomingly, of course.)

As if I would let any of those girls touch me like that, anyway! They're uncivilized. And it's totally yuck. Sex is dirty-gross.

Anyways. Dungeon. I'm so bad with getting sidetracked – my one and only fault.

I go straight to the bathroom and begin my daily ritual.

Brush, gargle rinse, etc. I'm so hot.

_**My shiny teeth so awesome **__**  
**__**Just like my favourite song **__**  
**__**My shiny teeth I floss them **__**  
**__**So they grow to be real strong **__****_

Well, the silence is getting to me. Time for some music! I wave my wand around a bit (Gracefully. Grace personified.) and say the charm.

Music floats around the room and I start to dance around a bit (not too much because the other boys could come in any moment now. Not that I care, I am totally secure in myself and my sexuality. Gayness is in. Why? I said so.)

I have a perfect tenor. Or is that soprano? Well, singing voice, anyway.

_"What you want, __  
__(ooh) Baby, I got __  
__(ooh) what you need __  
__(ooh) Do you know I got it? __  
__(ooh) All I'm askin' __  
__(ooh) is for a little respect when you come home (just a little bit) ___

_"I ain't gonna do you wrong while you're gone __  
__Ain't gonna do you wrong (ooh) 'cause I don't wanna (ooh) __  
__All I'm askin' (ooh) __  
__Is for a little respect when you come home (just a little bit) __  
__Baby (just a little bit) when you get home (just a little bit) __  
__Yeah (just a little bit) " __  
_  
While I sing, and dance around the bathroom with my hairbrush held up as a type of microphone (haven't worked out how to transfigure it yet), I contemplate the reason behind why men have to act so well, manly.

It's silly, because I think, obviously, men are the lesser of the species. They are (with the exception of me) crude, rude and, simply unemotional. It's awful, because once you have felt emotions as keenly as I have, you just can't give them up. I am so obviously going to become Minister of Magic, it isn't even funny. All the girl will totally vote for me. From bed. ha ha. "Vote one Draco Malfoyyyyy! Yesss!"

Gods, I'm funny.

I reckon men should respect women better. That's why _respect_ is my favourite song. Even if it is written by a _mudblood_.

I shudder theatrically. It looks sexy. Must do that again in front of people. They will _die_.

You know, I really have nothing against muggleborns. I reckon they're grand. (Say that in an Irish accent by the way. I have an awe-inspiring Irish accent. Better than all the Irish peoples Irish accents.) You know that Irish guy in Gryffindor, Seamus Finnegan? He's rather fit. But his accent is so not as good as mine. I wonder what he looks like naked. Mmm. Nice thought. Little off topic however.

And flex those muscles Draco darling. Mmm mmm! Nummalicious!

_**My shiny teeth I love them **__**  
**__**And they all love me (AhhhAhhh) **__**  
**__**Why should I talk to you? **__**  
**__**When I got 32 (woo) **__**  
**__**My shiny teeth and me **_

Merlin, how'd I get to be so hot? I look at myself in the mirror and bear my teeth at myself. Ooh schmexy! I look like a tiger! Rawr! RAWR!!!

Mm mm! Have to do that in front of Harry…I mean, Pansy, one time soon! He, I...she, would totally flip!

He, I mean, _she_, would be all over me….mm, glasses are sexy…oh wait, Pansy doesn't have glasses does she?

Heh, heh… simple mistake, anyone could make it (even I, yes, even I. I am not totally perfect - shock horror!)

There's Crabbe and Goyle. You can hear them coming from a mile away.

They lumber about like the pair of idiots they are, knocking over everything in a five kilometre radius…it's horrendous.

Don't know why I hang out with them.

Oh, yes I do. Their parents pay me.

Good money too. About thirty Galleons a day or something.

It keeps me going anyhow.

They come blundering into the bathroom and look stupidly around. "When'd the bathroom change with the common room Draco?" asks Goyle stupidly (no change there, apparently.) I look at him through the mirror and say in a condescending tone (I am so good at that. Seriously. Sex on legs, darlings. Sex on sexy legs.):

"Goyle, the bathroom has always been here. Just because you neglect to use it at any time does not mean that it has changed with the Common room. Also, if you think about it, I shouldn't be talking to you, because I am a God and you are just a lowly worm, not even worthy of my squishing you."

Goyle looks at me through dull piggy eyes and goes "Oh." Then he walks out of the bathroom, followed closely by Crabbe, who hasn't taken in a word of the conversation and smashes an expensive vase on the way out.

I sigh theatrically and go back to inspecting myself in the mirror. Merlin, I rule.

RAWR!!!

_**My shiny teeth that twinkle **__**  
**__**Just like the stars in space **__**  
**__**My shiny teeth that sparkle **__**  
**__**Addin' beauty to my face **__****_

_**My shiny teeth that glisten **__**  
**__**Just like a Christmas tree (AhhhAhhh) **__**  
**__**You know they walk a mile just to see me smile **__**  
**__**Woo! **__**  
**__**My Shiny Teeth and Me **_

A/N- Listen to "my shiny teeth and me" by Chip Skylark (Fairly Odd Parents! heh heh..lovin that show...) it's really cool. I love his singing! it's totally hilarious! every time I hear it I think of Draco...that's why I wrote this, but yeah. 'Tis funny.


End file.
